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Help, I've got Alien Implants!

I love writing about aliens. In fact, I’ve published five sci-fi romance series so far and have more planned. But do I believe in them? I’m not sure. I definitely believe there’s life out there – the universe is too big for there not to be – but green men with antennae? Maybe not.

(Although I’d love to be abducted – aliens, if you’re reading this, message me to get my address and I’ll be sure to pack my things.)

Anyway, on the search for something completely unrelated, I came across an offer on the service marketplace Fiverr to have alien implants removed.

Wait, what?

Alien implants? Inside of me?


Obviously, there was no way I could resist. So I bought it and dutifully sent my new ‘spirit healer’ a photo of myself. I didn’t see any alien implants on it, but maybe she could, right?

Fiverr screenshot

Three days later, I got my analysis in the shape of a surprisingly detailed document. I really hadn’t expected that for $5.

She began by telling me what’s wrong with me:

On a scale of 1-2600 your energy started out at 5500, which is a little over average and ended at 1050 which is better but I think we can get it higher. There was some resistance to release energy in the heart area, that might need more work. I feel like there’s a “mourning” that is going on there. I used a charged basalt (volcanic) rock from Cathedral Rock vortex in Sedona to clear a lot of your cords, attachments, debris and implants.

Wait, did she just say she found cords and debris inside my heart area??? Makes me feel kind of queasy. I have to admit, I felt them neither before nor after the cleansing (the only implant I’m aware of is my contraceptive implant in my arm and that’s easy to spot), but what do I know, I’m not a spirit healer who specialises in aliens.

To help me recharge my energy (mostly in my heart, throat and solar plexus), she recommended that I bring more yellow in my life – whether that’s food, clothing or flowers. I obviously put on the only yellow shirt I own right away. A quick look in the fridge showed some brown lentils. Can I count that as yellow? Sadly I’d already put all the bananas in a smoothie the day before.

You are being drained from your environment. Toxic people, environmental pollutants, and collective energies. Focus on cleaning up who you hang around, foods you eat, etc.

At the moment, the only people I’m around are folks online – I’ve not met anyone in person since March unless you count waving at neighbours or greeting the postman – and yes, there’s always some toxicity on social media. That must be where the alien implants come from.

I’m in several alien-related Facebook groups because of the anthologies and projects I’m involved in, so it’s no surprise really that I was damaged by that. Still, I don’t think I could step away from the Stolen and Seduced anthology (coming end of August!) or the three sci-fi romance series I’m working on. So come on, aliens, there’s enough space in my body for you all! I’ve gained lockdown weight just to make it easier for you.

The spirit healer also realised that I’m living in a turbulent time just now and recommended I meditate about water, which is “a symbol of emotion”. I did that and got thirsty. Maybe she overlooked an alien implant?

My favourite part of the entire letter was the end.

You are surrounded by fairies! They were watching me… hahaha.

So confusing. Are fairies related to aliens? Or are all aliens fairies? Are fairies watching me on behalf of aliens? Or are they attracted to all that alien debris?

So many questions. I wish she’d included a contact number for the aliens so that I could ask them. And beg them to abduct me. And maybe do some of the ‘fun’ kind of probing.

Anyway, if you now feel in the mood for some alien probing, check out my Intergalactic Guide to Humans series, a humorous take on alien romance full of probing, testing and even an implant or two.

Alien Abduction For Beginners
Not all aliens are good at abducting humans.

Havel, Matar and Xil have failed too many times to count. Luckily, there’s help available for failed kidnappers: a diploma offered by the Intergalactic University. To complete their course, these three sexy aliens need to abduct a human female – and they’re graded on it. The problem is, the human female has no intentions of being abducted, not even to help them get the universe’s most recognised abduction qualification.

A hilarious sci-fi reverse harem romance with clueless aliens and the human woman they’re trying to seduce (and probe). Beware, these aliens have fangs and tails and are ready to put them to good use. First in a trilogy that is best read in order.