I love writing about aliens. In fact, I’m working on three different sci-fi romance series at once just now. But do I believe in them? I’m not sure. I definitely believe there’s life out there – the universe is too big for there not to be – but green men with antennae? Maybe not.

(Although I’d love to be abducted – aliens, if you’re reading this, message me to get my address and I’ll be sure to pack my things.)

Anyway, on the search for an alien chibi (see above!), I came across an offer on the service marketplace Fiverr to have alien implants removed.

Wait, what?

Alien implants? Inside of me?

Apparently.

Obviously, there was no way I could resist. So I bought it and dutifully sent my new ‘spirit healer’ a photo of myself. I didn’t see any alien implants on it, but maybe she could, right?

Three days later, I got my analysis in the shape of a surprisingly detailed document. I really hadn’t expected that for $5.
She began by telling me what’s wrong with me (note how I'm far beyond her scale's reach).

Wait, did she just say she found cords and debris inside my heart area??? Makes me feel kind of queasy. I have to admit, I felt them neither before nor after the cleansing (the only implant I’m aware of is my contraceptive implant in my arm and that’s easy to spot), but what do I know, I’m not a spirit healer who specialises in aliens.

To help me recharge my energy (mostly in my heart, throat and solar plexus), she recommended that I bring more yellow in my life – whether that’s food, clothing or flowers. I obviously put on the only yellow shirt I own right away. A quick look in the fridge showed some brown lentils. Can I count that as yellow? Sadly I’d already put all the bananas in a smoothie the day before.

At the moment, the only people I’m around are folks online – I’ve not met anyone in person since March unless you count waving at neighbours or greeting the postman – and yes, there’s always some toxicity on social media. That must be where the alien implants come from.

I’m in several alien-related Facebook groups because of the anthologies and projects I’m involved in, so it’s no surprise really that I was damaged by that. Still, I don’t think I could step away from the Stolen and Seduced anthology (coming end of August!) or the three sci-fi romance series I’m working on. So come on, aliens, there’s enough space in my body for you all! I’ve gained lockdown weight just to make it easier for you.

The spirit healer also realised that I’m living in a turbulent time just now and recommended I meditate about water, which is “a symbol of emotion”. I did that and got thirsty. Maybe she overlooked an alien implant?

My favourite part of the entire letter was the end.

So confusing. Are fairies related to aliens? Or are all aliens fairies? Are fairies watching me on behalf of aliens? Or are they attracted to all that alien debris?

So many questions. I wish she’d included a contact number for the aliens so that I could ask them. And beg them to abduct me. And maybe do some of the ‘fun’ kind of probing.

Anyway, I’m going to use this experience as inspiration for the story I’m currently working on: Alien Abduction for Beginners, the beginning of a trilogy that will be published in the Stolen and Seduced anthology.