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I love writing about aliens. In fact, I’ve published five sci-fi romance series so far and have more planned. But do I believe in them? I’m not sure. I definitely believe there’s life out there – the universe is too big for there not to be – but green men with antennae? Maybe not.
(Although I’d love to be abducted – aliens, if you’re reading this, message me to get my address and I’ll be sure to pack my things.)
Anyway, on the search for something completely unrelated, I came across an offer on the service marketplace Fiverr to have alien implants removed.
Wait, what?
Alien implants? Inside of me?
Apparently.
Obviously, there was no way I could resist. So I bought it and dutifully sent my new ‘spirit healer’ a photo of myself. I didn’t see any alien implants on it, but maybe she could, right?
Three days later, I got my analysis in the shape of a surprisingly detailed document. I really hadn’t expected that for $5.
She began by telling me what’s wrong with me:
On a scale of 1-2600 your energy started out at 5500, which is a little over average and ended at 1050 which is better but I think we can get it higher. There was some resistance to release energy in the heart area, that might need more work. I feel like there’s a “mourning” that is going on there. I used a charged basalt (volcanic) rock from Cathedral Rock vortex in Sedona to clear a lot of your cords, attachments, debris and implants.
Wait, did she just say she found cords and debris inside my heart area??? Makes me feel kind of queasy. I have to admit, I felt them neither before nor after the cleansing (the only implant I’m aware of is my contraceptive implant in my arm and that’s easy to spot), but what do I know, I’m not a spirit healer who specialises in aliens.
To help me recharge my energy (mostly in my heart, throat and solar plexus), she recommended that I bring more yellow in my life – whether that’s food, clothing or flowers. I obviously put on the only yellow shirt I own right away. A quick look in the fridge showed some brown lentils. Can I count that as yellow? Sadly I’d already put all the bananas in a smoothie the day before.
You are being drained from your environment. Toxic people, environmental pollutants, and collective energies. Focus on cleaning up who you hang around, foods you eat, etc.
At the moment, the only people I’m around are folks online – I’ve not met anyone in person since March unless you count waving at neighbours or greeting the postman – and yes, there’s always some toxicity on social media. That must be where the alien implants come from.
I’m in several alien-related Facebook groups because of the anthologies and projects I’m involved in, so it’s no surprise really that I was damaged by that. Still, I don’t think I could step away from the sci-fi romance series I’m working on. So come on, aliens, there’s enough space in my body for you all! I’ve gained lockdown weight just to make it easier for you.
The spirit healer also realised that I’m living in a turbulent time just now and recommended I meditate about water, which is “a symbol of emotion”. I did that and got thirsty. Maybe she overlooked an alien implant?
My favourite part of the entire letter was the end.
You are surrounded by fairies! They were watching me… hahaha.
So confusing. Are fairies related to aliens? Or are all aliens fairies? Are fairies watching me on behalf of aliens? Or are they attracted to all that alien debris?
So many questions. I wish she’d included a contact number for the aliens so that I could ask them. And beg them to abduct me. And maybe do some of the ‘fun’ kind of probing.
Anyway, if you now feel in the mood for some alien probing, check out my Intergalactic Guide to Humans series, a humorous take on alien romance full of probing, testing and even an implant or two.
Havel, Matar and Xil have failed too many times to count. Luckily, there’s help available for failed kidnappers: a diploma offered by the prestigious Intergalactic University.
To complete their course, these three sexy aliens need to abduct a human female – and their grades depend on doing it properly.
Unfortunately, their chosen human has no intention of cooperating.
Trish never agreed to become anyone’s coursework, and she certainly isn’t going to make their assignment easy. Her would-be kidnappers may be clueless, but they’re persistent, ridiculously attractive and determined to learn everything they can about their captive.
Their lessons soon involve far more than kidnapping. Between cultural misunderstandings, fangs, tails and some very enthusiastic probing, keeping this abduction strictly academic may prove impossible for all four of them.
Alien Abduction for Beginners launches The Intergalactic Guide to Humans with a hilarious, spicy why-choose romance featuring three incompetent alien kidnappers and the human woman they’re trying to seduce. Perfect for readers who love alien abduction, enemies to lovers, fated mates, forced proximity, culture-clash comedy, found family, special alien anatomy and laugh-out-loud romantic misunderstandings. This is the first part of a reverse harem trilogy, which is best read in order.
